Why I'm Giving Up On Turkish Cypriot Boys

Demel Mehmet

I don’t want to be known as the girl who only talks about relationships and marriage, but, in my defence, I was raised on the ideology that the biggest and most important role I’d take on in life was that of a wife and mother, so it’s difficult not to wonder when I’ll finally meet the person that I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Despite this ideology, my parents always emphasised the importance of education and being able to supply myself with all the tools I need to support myself and avoid depending on a man. Now that I have achieved these things, now I have my degree, now that I have my career, the next logical step is finding my husband. A reputable man, who is mature and supportive, who can provide just as much as I can and add to my happiness and stability.  Speaking from my experience so far, do I feel like I can take any Turkish Cypriot boy seriously? Absolutely not.

Unfortunately, it would seem that most Turkish Cypriot boys fall into one of two categories: the sweet boy, who is family orientated and typically ‘nice’, lacking confidence, finesse and experience, or the overly cocky wannabe bad boy who forces a player lifestyle with a slit in one eyebrow and a diamante earring. Neither of these are wholly appealing, nor do they indicate a readiness to hold down a relationship.

It seems that Turkish Cypriot boys take a very long time to reach the stage of being ready for commitment. I suppose who can blame them when they can get everything on a plate without having to commit to a woman? While boys in general, regardless of their ethnicity, can get sexual favours without having to try or commit, my statement doesn’t just regard sexual acts; from inheriting family businesses without the need to educate themselves or earn the title, to daddy buying him a BMW, and mummy cooking all his meals and cleaning his mess, the Turkish Cypriot boy no longer has to try. They can’t look after themselves, creating very heavy expectations of women, yet don’t provide much to deserve the title of breadwinner, there is no drive, no initiative, and certainly no mind of their own.

This is a big contributing factor to the hypocrisy of this generation of Turkish Cypriot boys. For starters, you want a girl with ambition, but don’t want her to be too ambitious. You want a girl with a career, but she can’t be too career orientated. You want a good-looking girl but can’t handle the attention she gets from other boys. You don’t want someone with any sexual history but can’t handle a virgin because that’s too much pressure. You want a girl with a traditional upbringing and values but will run at the first sign of seriousness. You want a girl who can do all the housework and cook for you (has to be able to cook Turkish dishes too), but that can’t be all she does. Please make your mind up, decide what kind of woman you actually want and ask yourself whether you’re even ready for that.

Turkish Cypriot boys will write essays and talk for days about how Turkish Cypriot girls these days lack traditional values and morals, using the fact that ‘the majority have been ran through’ as their only reason for such statements. The hypocrisy lies in the fact that the majority of these boys’ exes are Turkish Cypriot girls, and these boys are, in fact, the ones running through them. They are the very problem that they are complaining about. This ideology of valuing a girl based on her sexual history stems from the old-head, traditional way of thinking, which their parents and grandparents have bred into them. Don’t get me wrong, I have been raised with the same ideology, but I can see both sides of the coin, understanding that there are a number of factors which contribute to the reasons why a girl might sleep around. From being sold dreams of marriage and commitment, discussing even how many children they want and what their list of potential baby names are, to claiming that the girl’s parents would love them and that they’re done with messing around and are ready to settle down, its easy for girls to get lost in the prospect and potential of a boy.

Having been raised in the old-fashioned way I have been, with the ‘no sex before marriage, no dating, no reputation’ mindset, it’s very difficult to find a boy, or anyone, who has been raised in a similar fashion. There is a real lack of transparency and openness with Turkish Cypriot boys. I always find myself questioning whether they understand my upbringing and restrictions, or whether they’re just going along with things because they think they’re going to get something from me for sounding understanding.

My biggest pet peeve in life is not knowing where I stand. With Turkish Cypriot boys, it’s a little more difficult because you never know what they’re thinking, or if they have the same morals as you or how they’ve been raised. You don’t know if they’re just looking to mess you around or if they have serious intentions with aims for marriage because they’ll never be upfront about either of these. They either come in too strong, trying to convince the girl that they’re serious, or they don’t come in strong enough. You can usually tell a lot about a boy from the first conversation. From the way he slides into the DMs, to the questions he asks and the topics he raises, you can generally get a good sense of what they want, but they’ll never let you in on what they’re thinking. I like transparency. Grow a pair and tell me what you want from me. In other words, what are you doing in my DMs?

Maybe it’s immaturity, maybe it’s the lack of direction, or maybe it’s pride, but inconsistency is a common characteristic in Turkish Cypriot boys. Inconsistency is the biggest turn off. Don’t bombard me with dreams for ‘our future’ one day and then be distant the next. Don’t call and FaceTime me multiple times a day every day for a couple weeks and then ghost without a glimpse of explanation for the switch up. Don’t tell me you want to see me and then chicken out and back away when it’s time to make plans.

Given the things that Turkish Cypriot boys have said to me, it’s hard not to think that I intimidate a lot of them. I haven’t had much experience of entertaining many boys, as I do not entertain every boy that tries to chat to me to know if all Turkish Cypriot boys are like this, but the boys I do choose to reply to have a very strong sense of ‘small dick energy’ (meaning: very insecure mentality and approach). I don’t know if it’s the way I look, my job, my education, my family values and upbringing or the way I present myself, but I don’t seem to attract very serious candidates who are in a position to commit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to get married tomorrow, but at the same time, I’m not looking to hang around waiting for a guy to hit his 30s before he is ready to commit.

It would seem that every time I lower my standards and settle on things that are important to me, attraction or substance wise, I just get disappointed. Whether it’s accepting the lack of drive and ambition or being willing to trek to north London every weekend or having to convince myself that the attraction could grow, the settling never seems to be worth it.

At the tender age of 22, I am tired. I am done wasting my time and energy on unserious boys who maintain out of date ideologies regarding women yet bring nothing to the table.

 

The hypocrisy and gameplaying is far too complicated and time consuming for me to want to figure out and quite frankly, I don’t see why I should have to chase people who disturbed my peace first.

My parents had always upheld hope for my brother and I, convinced that we wouldn’t have a problem finding decent partners. My mum finally admitted to us recently that even she is worried for us. What do you do when even your parents lose hope?

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